What am I most afraid of? Where to even begin....?
The thing that I am most afraid of is losing my family. I have two wonderful little boys... one who is 4, and one who will be 2 on Sunday... and the thought of losing them terrifies me. And then if you add the thought of losing my wonderful husband in that, it makes the panic go up even more. I am seriously breathing very deeply as I type this because my heart rate has increased at just the thought. I am sure that anyone who has ever loved someone with everything that they are starts to think about losing them, it can cause fear. But for me, I am just not sure how I would ever face another day without my wonderful family.
Where does this fear come from? I have never lost anyone tragically before, like people may guess. But as I sit here and ponder it a little more, I realize that this fear comes from knowing that just because you love God and follow him, it doesn't mean that you are protected from bad things happening. I learned that lesson in a very hard way almost 7 years ago when we miscarried our first child at 13 weeks. Before that moment, I honestly believed that as long as I loved God and followed him, that he would love me enough to make sure that bad things never would happen to me and those that I love. Naive I know, but it is honestly the way that I viewed the world. And then when I was sent home from the ER with the words "most likely will miscarry", my world came crashing down. I prayed so hard to God to save our baby, and then spent that night miscarrying. In those moments in the wee hours of the morning when I was alone with my heartache and the awfulness of what was happening, I realized that the world I once thought I knew looked very differently to me. God didn't always save... bad things did happen... God did allow bad things to happen to those that loved him... God did allow bad things to happen to me. After a long struggle with doubt and anger and guilt, I found myself having to figure out my faith all over again. Who was this God? Did I really want to love a God that would allow bad things happen to those that loved him? My answers were yes, but still I struggle with those thoughts and questions. After that night in July, I have miscarried 3 more times. But I also have been blessed with 2 amazing little boys. I feel truly blessed, despite my heartache.
I guess that is where my fear comes from... from the knowledge that God does allow bad things to happen. And as I think a little more, I guess that my doubts and struggles with that still scare me as well. Everyone else looks like they have it so together, especially in those bad times. And I feel just the opposite. I don't have it all together. I put on a brave face and do a great job of wearing a mask that everything is fine. But deep down I still question... still doubt... still struggle... still have lots of pain... still fear.