Thursday, January 23, 2014

Change of Heart

I have always struggled with food… always been a little overweight… always been not happy with how I have looked.  And a few years ago, I was able to lose 60lbs!!  But then, like most diets, the weight has slowly crept back.  While I have not gained all 60lbs back, I have gained a few.  I don't know how many times I have tried to get back on track, then found something delicious that I really wanted to eat, pigged out on it, failed, then woke up the next morning promising to get back on track only to have the cycle repeat.  And it isn't like I am just eating a piece of chocolate… it is that I am eating the entire bag of chocolate plus a bag of chips plus whatever else I set my eyes on.  The battle that continually rages inside of me over food is sickening.  It takes up all of my thoughts when the seed is laid.  It destroys how I feel about myself when i fail.  It makes me feel like I can't beat this.  And I am captive to the big food monster.  

After failing and failing and failing again… crying out to God again and again and again… shedding many tears, God shed light onto my battle.  He clearly pointed out to me that food is my idol.  I put it above all else.  When I think about it, I can't stop until I put it in my mouth.  I obsess most of the day about what I can find.  When I am alone, I pig out because there is no one there to hold me accountable.  I turn to it in the best of times and the worst of times.  Food comes above all else.  And realizing that made me sad and ready for a heart change.  I am tired of the struggle.  I don't want this battle for the rest of my life.  It is time to end it now!!

Starting in January, I began this journey of changing my heart.  Have I failed since then?  Absolutely!  Have I had victories since then?  Most definitely!!!  And I am determined that now is the time that I will beat this!  Now is the time that I will overcome!  Now is the time that I walk away from this captivity into freedom in God!!  It is only with his help that I will overcome.  It is only by God's grace that I will leave this battle.  It is only by turning my heart back to God that I will be done with this struggle that I have had for almost 35 years.  

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."  (Jeremiah 29:12-14)

My journey starts with Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  Her words are inspiring!  Her words are my words, which makes it even more relatable to my journey, and more impactful.  And with the help of 40,000 other women, I know that I will overcome!  God will bring me back from captivity as I seek him with all my heart.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing! I love being able to relate to so many other people that struggle with this just as I do. Thankful I'm learning this now so to teach my kids of cravings for God rather than anything else that can be taken away from them anyway. Made to Crave has been awesome so far & we're only 2 chapters in! :)