It seems like whenever I feel like I am making positive strides towards something, then something comes along and knocks me back down. I see it happening with my weight... I make all of these positive steps, lose all this weight, and now all I do is obsess again over food and trying to shove as much good stuff in my mouth as I can. I know that it is not healthy, nor the person that I want to be, yet I can't quite stop my hand and mouth in those moments. I see it happening in my relationships. I start to feel like maybe I will be seen as the person that I am, not the hurtful actions that I have done... that we have finally moved on from the hurt and damage that I have caused. And then one conversation brings me back to the reality that there is so much damage still there and I am not sure if I will ever be seen as who I am now.
I feel stuck... trapped as this person that I am not... battling to be somebody else, somebody better, yet being held back by the past. How do I move forward?
I keep thinking about the prostitute that Jesus saves from being stoned. The world saw her as a waste... a piece of trash... not worth saving. Yet here is this man, this Son of God who sees her as something more... someone more. He sees in her who she was made to be. He sees her as the person that he created. He sees her as someone worth saving. How did this one action make her feel? How did it change her life? I am sure that it didn't immediately change the way that people treated her. How long did she have to live with the repercussions of her life before her encounter with Jesus? How long did the world try to pull her back into who they saw her as? How did she deal with the hurt of the past? How did she forgive herself? How did she move on?
I so desperately want those in my life to see me as I am now, a changed person with a different heart. Yet I know that it isn't that easy. It isn't like I can just take off one costume and let others see me as someone else. There is still the pain and damage that I have caused. Will I ever be completely forgiven? Will I ever completely forgive myself? If Jesus were here, would I be enough to save? Would he see in me something worth saving?
"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate." -Luke 15:21-24