I have to admit that I am a person who has led a double life. I was one person to those that I know and I love, and in secret, I was someone else. I wish that I could even to this day say that I understand why I did the things that I did and why I was this someone else, but I have no clue. The shame of my actions has been almost more than I can bear. And even though I have been forgiven, I still feel so ashamed and know there there is distrust there. I am constantly living in this fear that I can never truly be forgiven. How could I be? I can't even truly forgive me.
I just finished reading the third chapter in Angie Smith's book, What Women Fear. In it, it discusses the fear of being found out. By just reading the chapter title, I knew that this would speak volumes to me and be a tough chapter to cover. My fingers tremble at just the thought of having to confront this secret life and deal with my heart on this. I have a hard enough time admitting to myself the secret life that I led and the pain that I have caused. I can't even believe that I am the same person. The person that I look at in the mirror would never do something like this. How could I have allowed it? How could I have been this other person?
In the chapter, she talks about the woman who reaches out and touches the hem of Jesus, wanting to be healed, but not wanting to be found out. She lives in shame, hiding herself from the rest of the world. And as I read that part of the book, I saw myself. I am so ashamed... and I just would love to hide for the rest of my life, never having to be out for the world to see. But that, obviously, is just not possible. So I stand here at the Savior's robe, sobbing and asking to be healed. I am begging to be forgiven... to be able to turn away completely from this life of shame... to become a new and never have to live in this shadow of shame again.
Lord, you know who I am. You know all that I am. I pray Lord that you will heal me from this shame that I feel. Lord, help me to move away from the shame and guilt, into the forgiveness and redemption.