I am beginning to read a book by Angie Smith, What Women Fear. All I have read so far is the introduction, and already I can hear God speaking to me through the pages. I never thought myself as a person who feared anything, but as I dig deeper into my heart, that apparently is not the case.
For years, as I look back now, I can see that I most definitely have been living in the midst of fear, letting it completely control me. Fear of heartache... fear of not being able to cope... fear of my doubts... fear of my inability to be the person that others need me to be and see me as. The fears could go on and on. And my reaction to those fears was to hide... to do things that I knew were wrong... to do things that I am now so ashamed of. And while I have turned away from those things, I still feel completely lost and scared and alone with feelings that I hide deep inside.
God asks Adam and Eve in the garden after they have sinned, "Where are you?"
As I read that, it speaks directly to my heart. I can hear God calling "Where are you?" I am here, God... hiding in the bushes... hiding from my sin... hiding from the disappointment that I have caused... hiding because I am afraid that I will never make things right... hiding because I am afraid that I will never be back to the person that I once was... hiding because I doubt and fear.
I don't really know where to go from here. But maybe I don't have to. Maybe I can just be and let God lead me. Maybe I don't have to have all the answers. Maybe I can just continue to walk and see where this journey takes me.