Thursday, October 20, 2011

Tossed around by the storms of life

The storm is raging... the boat is being tossed in the waves... the disciples are yelling out... and Jesus is sleeping?  While reflecting on this story found in Matthew 8:23-27, I found so many thoughts and applications to my own life.

In June of 2005, I found out that I was pregnant with our first child.  We were over the moon excited about welcoming our first bundle of joy.  Our parents and family were equally excited.  I was in complete pregnancy bliss until July 30th.  It started off as any other day.  We were getting ready to go down to my husband's parent's house for the weekend and attend Cheyenne Frontier Days.  And then our lives were turned upside down. At 13 weeks pregnant, I started to spot.  In a panic, I went to the ER and waited for them to run tests and tell me that everything was going to be okay... after all, I believed in God and knew that He would make everything okay with our baby... that He wouldn't let anything bad happen.  Even after they told us that things did not look good at all and that we would probably miscarry, then sent us home, I believed with all of my might that God would save our child.  That night was the worst night of my entire life.  In the middle of the black night, I lost the baby, and a huge part of my faith.  The next months/years were very difficult on me.  Over the next year and a half, I miscarried a total of 3 times.  I lived with unimaginable guilt of not being able to carry our children. I dealt with grief that I never knew existed.  And I was left with so much anger and doubt and questions for God.  One of those questions that still haunts me: "Where were you?"

After some deep reflection and tears that again have resurfaced, my sister called, and I took it as a welcome break from the thoughts and hurts and questions that still plague me.  But while talking with her, I again had this story and these thoughts come to mind. 

My sister is currently in the middle of her own crisis.  Having just finished nursing school and becoming licensed, she is now looking for a job.  And in the midst of that difficult task, her lease is up and she is trying to figure out what she can do.  I shared with her that I knew how hard it was to wait for God to answer our prayers.  I continued to share with her some of our struggles.  Since moving to Colorado for my job, my husband has been on the job hunt.  In the year and a half that we have been here, he still hasn't been able to find a job.  While we have been very fortunate to have the savings to live of off, those continue to dwindle, and bring up the fear of what will happen when it is gone.  And I know that this has been so hard on him.  My heart has been crying out to God to give my husband success and help him find a job.  And yet, we have had no answer.  I keep praying, keep trying to hold on that God will provide... and yet I have that nagging fear inside of me of "What if God is too busy?"... "What if God is asleep?"

The disciples found this same question that night on the sea.  While they were being tossed about on the boat, sprayed with water and fearing for their lives, Jesus was asleep.  When they finally wake Jesus up, he calms the storm and then asks them "Where is your faith?"

I hear him asking me that question as well.  "Where is your faith?"  Where is your faith when the seas are about to take over you?  Where is your faith when you lose that which you hold most dear? Where is your faith when you cry out to me? Where is your faith?

Oh God, please help me in the storms of life.  Please help me to have the faith, and not the fear.  Please give me the strength, for I know that I am weak, but You are strong.  Please be my refuge, my fortress.  When I lack the faith, please help me focus my eyes on you.  And please continue to heal my broken heart.

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