Free From Captivity

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you" declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."  (Jeremiah 29:12-14)

I keep coming back to this scripture this week… it is sitting on my heart… it is resonating with me and this journey that I am on.

God will listen to me when….
     …. I call upon him
     …. I come to him
     …. I pray

I will find God when….
     …. I seek him will all my  heart

When I find God….
     …. He will bring me out of the captivity that I am living in.

What is the captivity that I am living in?
     …. Unhealthy food choices
     …. Overeating
     …. Food food food

Oh how I want to be free of this battle!  Oh how I want to be free of this captivity!!  I don't want to have to live this way anymore.  I don't want to be a slave to food for one more day!!!  I want to be free!  And to do that, I need to seek God with all of my heart so that I can find him… focus on him… crave God in all areas of my life.

So I am seeking God… focusing on him to fill my needs… fill the voids that are in me.  Craving God!

Empowered… Living by the Spirit

With my sister being in Africa for the next 6 months, and with all the worry that comes for her safety while she is there, I have decided to fast once a week and be intentional about being in prayer for her.  Now, fasting is not one of my favorite things to do at all.  I love food… plan my day around it.  But with my Made To Crave study and my focus on changing my hear this year, I thought it was even more important for me to fast once a week and to be intentional in seeking God.

So Wednesdays this year are my fast days.  My husband has so graciously agreed to fast with me.  And for the most part, I am shocked at how I can keep my focus away from food for that one day.  I can really focus my attention on other things and not on when I am going to get my next food fix.  The bad thing is that when I go "off" the fast, I go crazy! Again, a heart issue that I have to work on.

I am learning a lot through fasting.  One is that for that one day, food doesn't have the same hold on me that it does for the other 6 days.  Completely removing food from the equation makes it so there is no battle to fight.  Now obviously, I can't completely remove food out of my life, but it shows me that it has less power over my life than I allow it to have.  I feel empowered over food in those hours of fasting, and it is a wonderful feeling.  Another thing that I learn is to focus on God, praying every time I feel hunger pains.  I not only lift up my sister and her journey in Africa, but it helps me be even more intentional at praying for those who I know are struggling.

While I know there will be struggles through this journey of fasting, I am feeling empowered by the lessons that I am learning so far.  And I know that by submitting myself to God, I can resist temptations and not be conformed to this world.

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature" (Galatians 5:16)

Change of Heart

I have always struggled with food… always been a little overweight… always been not happy with how I have looked.  And a few years ago, I was able to lose 60lbs!!  But then, like most diets, the weight has slowly crept back.  While I have not gained all 60lbs back, I have gained a few.  I don't know how many times I have tried to get back on track, then found something delicious that I really wanted to eat, pigged out on it, failed, then woke up the next morning promising to get back on track only to have the cycle repeat.  And it isn't like I am just eating a piece of chocolate… it is that I am eating the entire bag of chocolate plus a bag of chips plus whatever else I set my eyes on.  The battle that continually rages inside of me over food is sickening.  It takes up all of my thoughts when the seed is laid.  It destroys how I feel about myself when i fail.  It makes me feel like I can't beat this.  And I am captive to the big food monster.  

After failing and failing and failing again… crying out to God again and again and again… shedding many tears, God shed light onto my battle.  He clearly pointed out to me that food is my idol.  I put it above all else.  When I think about it, I can't stop until I put it in my mouth.  I obsess most of the day about what I can find.  When I am alone, I pig out because there is no one there to hold me accountable.  I turn to it in the best of times and the worst of times.  Food comes above all else.  And realizing that made me sad and ready for a heart change.  I am tired of the struggle.  I don't want this battle for the rest of my life.  It is time to end it now!!

Starting in January, I began this journey of changing my heart.  Have I failed since then?  Absolutely!  Have I had victories since then?  Most definitely!!!  And I am determined that now is the time that I will beat this!  Now is the time that I will overcome!  Now is the time that I walk away from this captivity into freedom in God!!  It is only with his help that I will overcome.  It is only by God's grace that I will leave this battle.  It is only by turning my heart back to God that I will be done with this struggle that I have had for almost 35 years.  

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."  (Jeremiah 29:12-14)

My journey starts with Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  Her words are inspiring!  Her words are my words, which makes it even more relatable to my journey, and more impactful.  And with the help of 40,000 other women, I know that I will overcome!  God will bring me back from captivity as I seek him with all my heart.

Which would be better?

I have a friend who is only a year younger than me, has three beautiful young children, and has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Yesterday, she told me that they had found some spots on her liver... not sure if is nothing or something, but just the thought of yet another battle before her is crushing.  My heart is crushed thinking about it, and all I want to do is sit with her and pray over her.  I know that I am praying for her, as are many of her friends and family... and the scriptures tell us that Jesus is even interceding for her. 

"Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to interceded for them." (Hebrews 7:25)

 In reflecting on many situations yesterday and this Scripture, the question came before me: "Which would be worse?  Knowing that God is completely in control of our lives and that nothing happens to us that He doesn't allow... or knowing that God had no control at all."  It is so hard to think that God allows things to happen to us.  Honestly, the thought of that hurts.  I mean, what kind of God would allow the bad things to happen?  What kind of God would allow a young mother to have to battle cancer?  What kind of God would allow children to be taken away from their loving parents?  What kind of God would allow pain to happen?  It is a hard question that I believe we all must struggle with. 


"And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.  And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:27-28)

The fact is that God wants what is best for us.  He wants good things for us.  Does that mean that nothing bad can ever happen to us?  No... of course not!  We live in a sinful world full of pain and suffering and death.  Bad things happen.  Life isn't fair.  But God is still in control.  He takes the bad that happens to us and turns it around for good.  I have seen it happen.  It has happened in my life.  Through my pain and heartache, God has turned my heart into a compassionate heart that hurts and bleeds for others... that reaches out to those who are going through difficulty... that weeps for those who weep and cries out to God to be with them and take their pain away.  God does work for the good.  And that comforts me.


"For when David had served God's purpose in his own generation, he fell asleep; he was buried with his fathers and his body decayed." (Acts 13:36)

Even though we go through dark times... even though God allows bad to happen... I would much rather have a God who is in control of everything and can turn the bad into good than have a God who had no control at all, and anything could happen to me at any time without any reflection.  Even our tribulations and sufferings are approved ONLY if it fits in with the purpose that God has for us.  If it doesn't fit in with that purpose, there is no way that God allows it to happen to us.  So, if we must go through pain and suffering, trials and tribulations, I would much rather go through them knowing that my God has my best interests in mind, that He will be with me through it all, praying for me as I go along... and that finally good will come out of it. 

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

Give us this day

Every morning when my boys wake up, they get to watch a morning educational show while we get them breakfast.  While we are in the midst of preparing the morning meal, my youngest will come in and ask if it is time for breakfast yet because his tummy is hungry.  We gently tell him that we are still making it and it will be ready just as soon as their show is done.  That never satisfies him.  He wants breakfast, and he wants it now.  He acts as if he is almost afraid that there is not enough food to feed his hunger, and that we won't take care of his need.  Of course, that is completely silly.  As his parents, we will always make sure that he has enough to eat and to take care of him.  But his pressing need clouds his mind and he forgets that we love him and will always provide for him.

"Give us today our daily bread." (Matthew 6:11) 

Right now, I am doing a study about the Israelites in the desert.  After grumbling because they "missed" their life back in Egypt, God hears them and sends them down manna, or bread, from heaven.  He gives them just enough for the day... if they gather too much, it rots and fills with maggots.  Each morning they awake and there covering the ground like dew is the manna.  After time goes on, God asks that the Israelites give an offering back to him if their hearts lead them to do so.  They begin to give and give and give... so much so that Moses has to ask them to stop because they have more than enough.  More than enough... from people who have nothing and are wandering in the desert and are dependent on God for everything.  And they give!

"I am the bread of life, He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty" (John 6:35)

It brings up the question, why am I not giving the way that God may be leading me to do so?  I find myself and my family in a time where we are just like the Israelites... God is providing us just enough manna for today.  The problem is that it leads me into fears about tomorrow.  When you have a family to provide for, young children to take care of, this obviously amps up those concerns and worries.  "What if there isn't enough?"  "What if God doesn't come through?"  "What if there is no manna tomorrow when I awake?"  The thing that is hard for us is that we love stability.  We love to know that we are taken care of and that we won't have to struggle.  It is so hard to completely trust and believe that our manna will be there.  It is hard for me to completely let go and trust. 

"Don't fret or worry.  Instead of worrying, pray.  Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.  It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." (Philippians 4:6-7 from The Message)

In my devotion from yesterday morning from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, it says, "Trust me and don't be afraid, for I am your Strength and Song.  Think what it means to have Me as your Strength. ....  Instead of trying to fight your fears, concentrate on trusting Me." How powerful it is to have God as our strength.  Forgive me Lord for my untrust... help me to trust you more and let go of my fears.  Help me to remember that You are the Bread of Life and will provide for me every day. 

Put me to suffering?

There is this prayer that we sometimes pray in the churches that I have been in.  It is the Wesley Covenant Prayer, and every time we say it, I just want to hide until it is over.

I am no longer my own, but thine.

Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt.

Put me to doing, put me to suffering.

Let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,

exalted for thee or brought low for thee.

Let me be full, let me be empty.

Let me have all things, let me have nothing.

I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure and disposal.

And now, O glorious and blessed God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit,

thou art mine, and I am thine.

So be it.

And the covenant which I have made on earth,

let it be ratified in heaven.

Amen.

While it is an absolutely beautiful prayer, the words seem just a little crazy for me.  There are some parts of it that I just love... "I am no longer my own, but thine".  And then there is the dreaded line... the line that every time we get to, I refuse to say... "Put me to doing, put me to suffering".  Put me to suffering?  Who in their right mind would ever want to be put to suffering?  Certainly not me!  Only a person who has never really suffered would ever ask to be put to suffering... and even then I would think that they are completely crazy! 

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope.  With less of you there is more of God and his rule.  You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.  Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." (Matthew 5: 3-4 from the Message)

And yet, Jesus says that we are blessed when we suffer (Matthew 5).  I find that I struggle with this, and that perhaps I need to have a more Godly view of life verses the worldly view that I have.  I am blessed when I suffer because it is then that I have the most intimate relationship with God, calling out to him to help me through the challenges that I face.  I am blessed because I can relate to and have compassion for those who suffer.  I am blessed because it is times like those that I have to completely rely on God to get me through them.

"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.  My soul is in anguish.  How long, O Lord, how long?" (Psalm 6:2-3)
 
There are so many that I know of right now who are suffering.  A three-year-old suffering from a very dangerous cancer... a 5-year-old going through leukemia... a 33-year-old friend and mother of three who is going through breast cancer... my best friend dealing with lots of health issues, including the eventual loss of her sight... Oh Lord, there are those who are suffering!  And while I have gone through hard times in my life, I am not sure I can say that I truly knows what it is like to suffer... and I pray every day that I never do.  But for those that are suffering, I believe that they get to this point deep within themselves where they have to completely rely on God for everything.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

In Exodus, God's people are wandering the desert. Every day, they wake up and there on the ground outside of their tent is manna from heaven.  They are told to only gather enough for today.  They are made to trust that God will provide exactly what they need for that day.  All they must do is go out of their tent and gather their provisions.  We, too, are the same way.  We also are wandering a great desert, wondering if we will ever come to that land of milk and honey.  And there are so many difficulties that we face... so much suffering that we have to go through.  Yet God tells us that he will provide exactly what we need for today.  He will provide the exact amount of mercy and compassion... he will provide the exact amount of strength... he will provide the exact amount of peace... All we must do is go outside our tent and gather it. 

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be give to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)
 
I pray that I never have to go through that time of suffering.  But I do realize that it is in those moments that we tend to draw the closest to God because we desperately need what he freely gives to us.  And perhaps that is the sweetest part of suffering... to be driven into the arms of the One that loves you greater than you can ever imagine and to fully rely and trust in Him to give you exactly what you need for today.

Craving

Yesterday was Fat Tuesday, and I went crazy with eating my fair share of chocolate.  Sweets is the one thing that I absolutely crave all of the time.  So I decided to give it up for Lent.  And now that the reality is staring me in the face, I can't stop thinking about sweets... chocolate... cookies... all of those good sweet things that I just crave non-stop.

"Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good." (1 Peter 2:2)

A funny thing happens to me when I crave chocolate... I can't rest until I get some.  I might be able to put it off for a little while, but sooner or later, that craving takes control of me and I have to feed myself chocolate.  Once I have that wonderful delicious taste of chocolate, you think that I would be satisfied.  Not the case with me.  I want more.  I could literally eat myself till I was sick if the craving continues.   

"My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times." (Psalm 119:20)

I am living in a time right now where I feel close to tears on most days.  It isn't that there is anything wrong.  There is nothing dramatic going on in my life.  But I still feel close to tears for whatever reason, and I feel very moved to draw closer to God.  Right now as I type this, I have Pandora Radio up, and the station that I chose to listen to today is a station with classic hymns.  They feed by soul, just like every little drop of Scripture that I hear lately is doing.  I wish I understood why I crave God and his presence, His Word, faith songs sometimes and not others.  But I won't think too much about it because right now I am craving, and it is good.

"Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." (Psalm 63:1)

We are made to crave.  We crave things of beauty... crave things that taste good...  crave money... crave power... crave crave crave!  But what we don't realize is that none of those things will ever satisfy.  We will never feel satisfied by food.  We never feel satisfied by stuff.  We will always want more and more and more.  We are made to crave one thing, and one thing only... the only one that will satisfy us... God.  We are made to crave a relationship with him... a deeper understanding of God.  We are made to crave His Word.  We are made to crave God.  

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God." (Psalm 42:1)